Why am I so scared to pull that trigger and go for what I want? I feel pulled in all different directions. I’ve lost my way, found it, continued down the path and then begin carving out a new one. I’m lost and also found. I’m not really sure what I want to do and commit to fully. I feel a burst of passion and lose it just as fast. Tonight I’ve thought about what I want to create, and among others my mind keeps going back to starting a stationary company. I keep returning to this thought, this burning match inside me that I keep blowing away with time. But for some reason, the wind keeps picking up on this idea. It’s the feeling that I want to create something tangible, and it always comes back to something that centres around writing, blogging, journalling. I want to create something that is my own. Something creative. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Some small legacy in an otherwise unimportant life in the grandest of schemes. Whatever it is, something is brewing. Some search for meaning that is calling once more. But why can’t I commit? Why can’t I take that leap? I’m scared. Because in my head it could be something, mean something. I could even inspire. Hope. But actually doing it exposes my idea to failure, as I’ve failed so often in the past. There’s so much I want to do, so many skills I want to learn, hobbies to explore, places to travel. I’m frozen in the overwhelmingness. The vastness of the world and of my wants. Maybe that’s the problem. Wanting to experience everything means I don’t actually have a passion right? Nothing grips my attention enough. Or maybe it’s just that nothing has since skating. The biggest failure of my life. The biggest regret. I’ll never love something quite like I loved that. I’ll never be passionate and want to succeed in something quite like I did once. A lifetime ago. Before I even did any growing up. Before I even understood the world. When I used to think I could be great at anything I wanted, if I just set my mind to it. So many mistakes made, so many things I wish I could change. It’s a scar that I’m beginning to think maybe will never heal fully. It will always stay with me. It will occasionally open up to greet me again. But that’s ok. I’ve learned to live with that old friend, that old enemy. That which still shows up in my dreams. The dreams I dreamt when I was a kid coming true, everything I ever wanted. And then I wake up to the reality once more.

I stumbled upon this blog I started over a year ago, 7 weeks into my breakup. I forgot about it and I forgot to write in it again until the words “Starlight Lane” randomly popped into my head tonight. I’m worried that this will become my life. A series of short bursts of passion, of excitement, of hope, only to never follow through and never become anything. The fire turned to the ashes of a life of mediocrity.

Maybe for now I’ll start small. Maybe I can commit to just continue writing here. Maybe this doesn’t need to take me anywhere. Maybe this is enough for the time being. I can’t help but feel like at some point this will all come together. This will all make sense one day. Everything I’ve been doing. So for now I just need to continue trying, doing, acting. Keep moving forward, one step in front of the other. Keep going.